What you and I feel
Assalamualaikum, how are you doing? I wish you were well, especially your heart. Yaaps, maybe feeling like it’s not okay either doesn’t matter. As long as you recover tomorrow. And hopefully my writing can lighten your sweat a little.
This time, I don’t want to rest on, nor am I giving advice or maybe writing down life motivations. I just wanted to share my anxiety, because experience taught me not to be more open to someone I often call friends. For that writing is my choice.
I just want you to feel that in this world it’s not just you who have this unrest. The feeling when you want to go away from home. And I want to know, that it’s not just me who experiences this feeling.
Okay, here it is.
Recently, there has often been a shadow in me to go to a distant place. A place very far from the city that I call home.
Is my house messed up? Not. Sometimes there is a small commotion, because of the trivial matters between my mother and I. But it only lasted in a matter of hours. Afterwards we would go back to laughing together.
Are my parents poor? Not really. Both of my parents worked, and it was more than enough to make ends meet. I stayed in a cozy house with a fairly complete food menu. I’ve never lacked that.
Didn’t I get enough attention? Not. Even though both of my parents worked, we always had time to chat every day. Weekends spent with quality time at home, enjoying warm tea and eating snacks while discussing some of the topics that appeared on television screens.
I have an older sister and a younger brother. They do not live in the main house. My sister came with grandma, while my brother was with uncles and aunts. My lil brother will be at home 2 to 3 times a week. Well even so, I’m close to him. Sometimes we share secrets about crushing each one. Sometimes it’s about our favorite topics, and deep talks about future plans. Including my desire to wander. In many ways, my brother looks a lot like me.
I am indeed not close to my elder sister, because since childhood she has lived with grandma. I never had time to tell her this and that, and we were very different. So that no matter what the topic is, there is always a difference of opinion between us. But that doesn’t apply to novels. Novels are the only topic that connects the two of us.
So, in this family structure, I am the middle child who plays the first child, as well as the only child in the main house.
With everything I’ve had, not a few people say they’re jealous of me, or say my life has been perfect. Is that right? Is the answer above true? sometimes it doesn’t feel really. I hope you know what I mean.
After being at home for so long, working behind a computer screen every day, I haven’t been anywhere for a few months. There was a time when I was tired of being alone. Yapss, all day I missed by myself. I don’t like the crowds, but being too quiet is also scary, right?
Every once in a moment in that tired atmosphere, I go out to see friends, or I go around town on my motorcycle, or go to a café to enjoy a glass of coffee while writing a few articles. But in those times I realized that this city is too narrow, not in the true sense, because this city is in 3rd place as the largest city in Indonesia.
I want to go that away from this place. I want to get to my dream in a new way. A way that may not be as comfortable as my bedroom.
I got all the convenience and comfort, but I lost the opportunity to become more independent, because my parents always tried to give everything. That’s something you know. And something very scary.
I’m like standing not on my own feet. I’m afraid, when that third foot is taken away from me, then my path will be lame, I will fall. That’s something I don’t want to do.
I want to stand on my own feet, become more independent.
I have thought about this many times, and the answer remains the same. I want to go away from home. Being in an unfamiliar place and restarting my delayed dream. So how does it feel?
“How does it feel to be away from home?” Once I asked my father, who had been wandering since he was young. “The unforgettable experience” he replied.
I admire the father figure as an independent and wise person. If most husbands are very dependent on their wives, not with my father. My father is very independent, and often helps with household chores. Because he understood, my mother had helped him work.
I want to experience the experience that dad once felt. Explore the city to other cities. My dad didn’t mind me doing that either. But Mom held back my steps to get out of this house.
It was the biggest bridle of my life. I wanted to leave, but the sense of filial piety held my legs back from staying here.
Am I too selfish if I want to leave her? isn’t it that sooner or later, when I get married I will leave her too?
So, what’s it like to be away from home?
